Two years ago yesterday, Teddy was born.
The Boy was lifted from the womb that carried him for 34 weeks, his torn water bag and all. He inhaled and exhaled for the first time in the presence of his parents, our amazing surgery and Neonatal staff and also my friend Stephanie Haller, owner of Ahava Studios who was documenting his birth. Noises unheard until that exact moment in time left his tiny lips and filled the room with relief, until the relief turned into panic and our perfect, tiny Boy was quickly moved into the NICU for emergency measures. Dustin and Steph H. were sent with The Boy, while my Daddy, Teddy’s Grandpa Jeep stayed with me, his own baby girl, now a shell. She felt simply like the place that grew The Boy and now The Boy had left her. Mission complete.
The Boy was in the NICU for six weeks, the first of which we were told he would not live more than once.
His second day of life, two years ago today, was the worst day in my entire life.
We said goodbye to Him more than once. My Daddy prayed over and blessed The Boy just in case his breaths were numbered. Just in case His tiny lungs couldn’t handle living. Just in case it was the end.
While he was in the NICU those many weeks, I often thought of songs that Dustin and I loved while The Boy was in the NICU. Words that were dear to us.
Be here now, no other place to be
All the doubts that linger, just set them free
And let good things happen
And let the future come into each moment
Like a rising sun
Then The Boy decided that He really could relate to the words that Mason Jennings sang.
Sun comes up and we start again
Each day, The Boy, our son, would wake up and start again, a little stronger than the day before!
Oh, The Boy proved the truth in those words. He became the standard for what we call a miracle in our family.
He proved that sometimes, just sometimes, good things happen. That the sun can rise and bring light to darkness, illuminate the doubt that once clung to every crevice.
Today started with the neonatologist coming in and telling us that Teddy’s condition is declining and we might want to call our family. That his lungs are under developed and they are doing everything they can. Do you want us to switch vent so you can hold as he goes? Do you want us to revive him if his heart can’t handle everything and stops?
And then it was, he’s doing a LITTLE better, but it still doesn’t look good. He is “critically ill” and we are going to see how to today goes. They will come and get us if we need to rush in and say good bye and hold him for the first and last time.
Today is for broken hearts #teddyinthenicu
- – January 4th, 2014